“If you could read my mind, love!”

Twitter. Only twits need it;

T – Terribly
W- Wimpy &
I – Insecure
T - Twits

According to their own instructional video, Twitter purports to bring you “closer to people that matter to you.” Um, so I should care about whether Matthew McConnehy is wearing a pink or blue sweater today and if he’s still dating blond bimbo number five or number six?

Twitter is just another in a series of gee-whiz sci-fi games for adults which attempt to glorify our individual egos in an age of ever-increasing homogenization. The great pink elephant in the room is being ignored as we stride forward with our automatic jerk-response; the truth is we’re all frightened to death of the present state of our world, and even more frightened about our future. The here and now, which is Twitter proclaims to be 'all about,' can be a very lonely place for many people. But to be able to pen a short message to a gaggle of ‘friends’ (read: acquaintances) and family, we are meant to suddenly feel ‘hooked in’ to the fabric of life – to be anointed in the salve of our ‘being known-ness.’ The loneliness is driven back a few more feet… and for the time being, the cave is warmer.

To listen to Twitter's own introduction video, one feels that we’re now living in an age that celebrates autism – short attention spans are to be considered the new norm. Why write a real letter, or even a nice long info-filled email, when you can constantly keep updated with all your friends all at once with short, clubby messages (less than 140 characters, to fit the new phone messaging craze)? Twitter purports that this type of communication is the ‘real world,’ and that by getting these little gems in our email or phone, we begin to build a new understanding of our friends and families. Okay, this intrigues me. I would actually like to believe that there are new and exciting things I still don’t know about my friends. But so far, my experiences with Twitter have consisted mainly of gossipy news about celebrities or cleverly disguised ads from local bars, restaurants and even nonprofits just ‘shouting out’ to remind me that they still exist and by gosh, they need my support!

Of course, I’m not anything like the mythical “Carla” figure who is used in this little video by Twitter. She represents a modern American woman in her mid 20's to mid 30’s who is, and here I must quote the Tweet-meisters themselves, “addicted to her cell phone and has contacts all over the world.” (Okay, again I'm suspicious that these contacts are like Facebook friends – big deal, we’ve all got-em. How many has she met or ever will meet in real life?) At first she is unconvinced about the need to Tweet, but her friends are ‘really talking it up and she finally logs on to find out what the fuss is all about.’ And boy is she glad she did! Now she can REALLY get her game on – and feel that warm pillow of joy knowing that her brother in law is mowing his yard (let’s hope he’s on a riding mower while texting… yeah!) and her mom is doing the laundry. Then there’s that dude in London who’s just made some marmalade on toast. Yum!

But meanwhile – what is happening to Carla’s life? Hello Carla! While you were wasting time, your life continued on.

All this reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

To me, Twitter is just another way to waste time, while stroking our own egos. The best of both worlds, in the 21st century hedonism cult of self.

I have to go and let my friends know I’m out of toilet paper. I’m sure they will be astonished and amazed to learn this about me.